Performing to creating to allowing then on to being at some point perhaps? It's funny because authenticity can feel like such a powerful relief - like a real breakthrough to freedom - a horizon finally reached. And too, it can feel (to me) incredibly lonely. For to fully 100% be yourself, it requires shedding all the attachments. Which on the one hand like I said is freedom and a kind of ultimate pureness of existence. But those attachments can feel good - they can really coddle the soul. The sad, fearful, competitive child inside me wants to feel the warm protective embrace sometimes, even if it means setting aside that powerful soaring of the soul feeling. Great article. I expected funny, flippant, and from the 1970's memory bank, which was all there for sure, but coupled with the existential puzzling introspection, it delivered doubly! (there's a crumb for the performative self - haha).
Oh, interesting points! I'm finding that after taking some time to figure myself out, I'm able to return to those attachments and connect on a more authentic level. With healthier boundaries in place, I'm no longer over-functioning in relationships and am able to be with people on my own terms, and with a lot less anxiety. Or something like that! :0)
It has been...for now! All a learning process, right? As above, setting boundaries was SO hard in the beginning, and definitely felt lonely at times (and still can). I'm hugely grateful to have a few deep connections where I feel a real sense of comfort, belonging, and acceptance...and the more my nervous system settles, the easier it is to accept that I'm not for everyone, and I don't have to try to be. But again, it can often feel like 1 step forward, 3 steps back 😫 I will never claim to have it all figured out!
Alexa, I really enjoyed this post. You articulated the performance trap so clearly in a way that resonates for a lot of people, including myself.
I like that you are treating your Substack space as “rehab.” We have all made the trade of authenticity for attachment and acceptance at some point in our lives. My trades began early in childhood because I saw it as a survival mechanism. The real work begins when we finally realize that we don’t have to make that trade anymore. Thank you for pulling back the curtain.
Performing to creating to allowing then on to being at some point perhaps? It's funny because authenticity can feel like such a powerful relief - like a real breakthrough to freedom - a horizon finally reached. And too, it can feel (to me) incredibly lonely. For to fully 100% be yourself, it requires shedding all the attachments. Which on the one hand like I said is freedom and a kind of ultimate pureness of existence. But those attachments can feel good - they can really coddle the soul. The sad, fearful, competitive child inside me wants to feel the warm protective embrace sometimes, even if it means setting aside that powerful soaring of the soul feeling. Great article. I expected funny, flippant, and from the 1970's memory bank, which was all there for sure, but coupled with the existential puzzling introspection, it delivered doubly! (there's a crumb for the performative self - haha).
Oh, interesting points! I'm finding that after taking some time to figure myself out, I'm able to return to those attachments and connect on a more authentic level. With healthier boundaries in place, I'm no longer over-functioning in relationships and am able to be with people on my own terms, and with a lot less anxiety. Or something like that! :0)
That sounds like a very positive healthy place to have landed. xoxo
It has been...for now! All a learning process, right? As above, setting boundaries was SO hard in the beginning, and definitely felt lonely at times (and still can). I'm hugely grateful to have a few deep connections where I feel a real sense of comfort, belonging, and acceptance...and the more my nervous system settles, the easier it is to accept that I'm not for everyone, and I don't have to try to be. But again, it can often feel like 1 step forward, 3 steps back 😫 I will never claim to have it all figured out!
Alexa, I really enjoyed this post. You articulated the performance trap so clearly in a way that resonates for a lot of people, including myself.
I like that you are treating your Substack space as “rehab.” We have all made the trade of authenticity for attachment and acceptance at some point in our lives. My trades began early in childhood because I saw it as a survival mechanism. The real work begins when we finally realize that we don’t have to make that trade anymore. Thank you for pulling back the curtain.
Thank you for getting it ❤️🔥❤️🔥❤️🔥