I knew I wasn't alone in this struggle--to Botox or not to Botox--but it's comforting to read this article and all the comments to confirm it. I'll be 50 in two months and have spent the past 6 months wondering if Botox would help me feel better about my aging face (and just aging in general). I'm having a hard time accepting the wrinkles around my eyes and sagging skin, which seemed to have happened over night. But as a woman who has struggled to accept myself, it will feel like the ultimate victory if I can learn to love myself exactly as I am. Ugh! Why does it have to be so hard?
I look back at pictures of me and it’s clear my awkward phase lasted into college. That was in part because my mom wasn’t into beauty stuff herself, and I had a pretty low-maintenance friend group of music and drama geeks. I finally learned how to dress and wear makeup and style my hair in my late 20s when I worked with a group of other young women who were truly kind and took me under their wing. Now at 53 I’ve not done anything to my face and don’t plan to—I like my lines and I EARNED them. Well except for the one under my chin that I think makes me look a bit like The Joker when I smile. I have a friend who does Botox and lip injections and it seems like I always see her right after and I find her face a bit frightening.
I appreciate your honesty about the back-and-forth you’ve gone through with this. We are supposed to accept our bodies and our aging but also accept if we don’t want to accept our bodies and our aging… it’s an utter mind fuck.
I love the analogy of the multiple personalities! It is such a great reminder! Because often I am so hard on myself for having conflicting opinions on the same thing!
"being teased about the size of my nose as a kid" - me too! I'll never forget when someone told me, as a true compliment, that I looked like Jennifer Grey, and then she went and got a nose job! Ugh! Aging sucks, ain't no way around it. I think we all go back and forth between wanting our 25-year-old body back and accepting what 50 years brings. And I'm only hearing those criticisms from me and my stupid brain. Well written - love the way you take me back to things I haven't thought about in years - ahh, purple eyeshadow and Sun-In!
Thanks for the kind words, Nicole, and so funny -- I know a TON of people who thought Jennifer Grey looked better pre-nose job. Maybe she did too (?!).
I see you, Alexa Sherman! Thank you for this lighthearted but incredibly poignant and relatable piece. The question Who am I doing this for? feels like the existential riddle at the center of so much of midlife. Am I doing this for me? For the male gaze? For the camera roll? For the nasty little narrator in my head who has a black belt in zooming in on all my flaws before anything else?
I went over a year without Botox, wrestling with this exact question. Determined to make peace with the lines. And then… I caved this winter. And honestly? For me, there was relief when they softened. Thankfully, the aesthetician did a great job, and a few weeks after it all settled in, I felt more like myself again. But there was also guilt. Had I given in to the man? Succumbed to the marketing? Forfeited my feminist card?
I think that the line for me may be drawn somewhere at the intersection of am I doing this to erase the years or just dialing down the midlife noise and finding a way to feel more like myself. Not fighting age, but negotiating with it. And I think we all have to give ourselves (and each other!) a little grace when it comes to resolving that battle.
Oh, the struggle of being a woman in her 50s with a body and a face in this day and age!
OMG, Laurie, yes to all these questions -- I mean, not YES to all of them but YES to them all running through our heads! I especially fear I forfeit my feminist card pretty regularly and listen to my inner critic wayyyy too often. But it's all a work in progress, and I can't pretend otherwise.
I relate so much to all of this. I actually have a Times essay coming out soon about this very struggle. I’m so back and forth on it. Even down to the multiple names. (Sara Mariasha Brown-Worsham is my full name). It’s really hard to be both really working toward acceptance and also actively grieving the face we used to have. I’m making peace with not insisting I take some radically hard stance on it. I respect people who do, but I think it’s ok to live in the gray area and not be sure.
Awe, I love you, Alexa, and for what it's worth, I always thought you were pretty. Believe it or not, you were one of the "cool popular kids" in my eyes. You were one of the girls I wanted to be like, specifically BECAUSE OF your wicked sense of humor and booksmarts. It's what I always admired most about you and still do.
I love you too, Mishelly! And I guess that’s part of the point — we can be our own worst enemies when it comes to this stuff, especially when there’s this relentless messaging that how we look is a problem to be fixed (whether it’s a big nose, teenage acne, mid-age wrinkles). It can fuck with our heads to the point where we believe it enough to succumb to the endless beauty and wellness and self-care solutions on offer, and even decide it’s completely our choice. It’s complicated!
I RELATE TO THIS SO HARD! I have done Botox a couple of times, and one or two other little "fixes," but I'm totally conflicted and inconsistent about the whole thing. One day I'm like "Fuck the patriarchy and the beauty industry! I am better than this! Aging is beautiful!" and the next day I'm researching neck lift prices. Sigh.
BTW, I am SO jealous of your 1983 glow-up hairstyle. I'm a little younger than you and at that point still wore my hair (which my mom cut, at home, no exceptions) in very 'Little House' inspired braids. But I secretly longed for cool feathered hair like yours!
LOL! I did the neck lift research too…that was when I decided that radical self-acceptance would be less painful, financially and otherwise. But it’s all such a process!
I knew I wasn't alone in this struggle--to Botox or not to Botox--but it's comforting to read this article and all the comments to confirm it. I'll be 50 in two months and have spent the past 6 months wondering if Botox would help me feel better about my aging face (and just aging in general). I'm having a hard time accepting the wrinkles around my eyes and sagging skin, which seemed to have happened over night. But as a woman who has struggled to accept myself, it will feel like the ultimate victory if I can learn to love myself exactly as I am. Ugh! Why does it have to be so hard?
I look back at pictures of me and it’s clear my awkward phase lasted into college. That was in part because my mom wasn’t into beauty stuff herself, and I had a pretty low-maintenance friend group of music and drama geeks. I finally learned how to dress and wear makeup and style my hair in my late 20s when I worked with a group of other young women who were truly kind and took me under their wing. Now at 53 I’ve not done anything to my face and don’t plan to—I like my lines and I EARNED them. Well except for the one under my chin that I think makes me look a bit like The Joker when I smile. I have a friend who does Botox and lip injections and it seems like I always see her right after and I find her face a bit frightening.
I appreciate your honesty about the back-and-forth you’ve gone through with this. We are supposed to accept our bodies and our aging but also accept if we don’t want to accept our bodies and our aging… it’s an utter mind fuck.
I love the analogy of the multiple personalities! It is such a great reminder! Because often I am so hard on myself for having conflicting opinions on the same thing!
"being teased about the size of my nose as a kid" - me too! I'll never forget when someone told me, as a true compliment, that I looked like Jennifer Grey, and then she went and got a nose job! Ugh! Aging sucks, ain't no way around it. I think we all go back and forth between wanting our 25-year-old body back and accepting what 50 years brings. And I'm only hearing those criticisms from me and my stupid brain. Well written - love the way you take me back to things I haven't thought about in years - ahh, purple eyeshadow and Sun-In!
Thanks for the kind words, Nicole, and so funny -- I know a TON of people who thought Jennifer Grey looked better pre-nose job. Maybe she did too (?!).
I see you, Alexa Sherman! Thank you for this lighthearted but incredibly poignant and relatable piece. The question Who am I doing this for? feels like the existential riddle at the center of so much of midlife. Am I doing this for me? For the male gaze? For the camera roll? For the nasty little narrator in my head who has a black belt in zooming in on all my flaws before anything else?
I went over a year without Botox, wrestling with this exact question. Determined to make peace with the lines. And then… I caved this winter. And honestly? For me, there was relief when they softened. Thankfully, the aesthetician did a great job, and a few weeks after it all settled in, I felt more like myself again. But there was also guilt. Had I given in to the man? Succumbed to the marketing? Forfeited my feminist card?
I think that the line for me may be drawn somewhere at the intersection of am I doing this to erase the years or just dialing down the midlife noise and finding a way to feel more like myself. Not fighting age, but negotiating with it. And I think we all have to give ourselves (and each other!) a little grace when it comes to resolving that battle.
Oh, the struggle of being a woman in her 50s with a body and a face in this day and age!
OMG, Laurie, yes to all these questions -- I mean, not YES to all of them but YES to them all running through our heads! I especially fear I forfeit my feminist card pretty regularly and listen to my inner critic wayyyy too often. But it's all a work in progress, and I can't pretend otherwise.
I relate so much to all of this. I actually have a Times essay coming out soon about this very struggle. I’m so back and forth on it. Even down to the multiple names. (Sara Mariasha Brown-Worsham is my full name). It’s really hard to be both really working toward acceptance and also actively grieving the face we used to have. I’m making peace with not insisting I take some radically hard stance on it. I respect people who do, but I think it’s ok to live in the gray area and not be sure.
I'd like to say it gets easier in your 50s but, well, I guess not for me. And I'm excited to read your Times essay!
Oh and your 1983 glow up and your Madonna look are both amazeballs!
Full transparency…those were my 6th grade and then 8th grade photos 🤣 (and Madonna was college)
Awe, I love you, Alexa, and for what it's worth, I always thought you were pretty. Believe it or not, you were one of the "cool popular kids" in my eyes. You were one of the girls I wanted to be like, specifically BECAUSE OF your wicked sense of humor and booksmarts. It's what I always admired most about you and still do.
I love you too, Mishelly! And I guess that’s part of the point — we can be our own worst enemies when it comes to this stuff, especially when there’s this relentless messaging that how we look is a problem to be fixed (whether it’s a big nose, teenage acne, mid-age wrinkles). It can fuck with our heads to the point where we believe it enough to succumb to the endless beauty and wellness and self-care solutions on offer, and even decide it’s completely our choice. It’s complicated!
I love you!
I RELATE TO THIS SO HARD! I have done Botox a couple of times, and one or two other little "fixes," but I'm totally conflicted and inconsistent about the whole thing. One day I'm like "Fuck the patriarchy and the beauty industry! I am better than this! Aging is beautiful!" and the next day I'm researching neck lift prices. Sigh.
BTW, I am SO jealous of your 1983 glow-up hairstyle. I'm a little younger than you and at that point still wore my hair (which my mom cut, at home, no exceptions) in very 'Little House' inspired braids. But I secretly longed for cool feathered hair like yours!
LOL! I did the neck lift research too…that was when I decided that radical self-acceptance would be less painful, financially and otherwise. But it’s all such a process!